


Conversation

by NukeRose



Category: The Fosters (TV 2013)
Genre: Light Angst, M/M, Post Season 4 Episode 15
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-01
Updated: 2017-03-01
Packaged: 2018-09-27 15:53:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,091
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10030361
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NukeRose/pseuds/NukeRose
Summary: A week after the App Incident, Jude tells Noah what happened.





	

**Author's Note:**

> So, I watched tonight's episode and couldn't help myself.

"Jude? Noah's here."

Momma's shout from downstairs jerked me back to consciousness, and I sat up sluggishly from where I was laying on my bed.

"Send him up!" I shouted back in response.

I heard footsteps coming up the stairs, and moments later, there was a knock on my door. I slumped back, lying on my back. I momentarily considered sending him away, lying and telling him I was not feeling up to hanging out, but I could not bring myself to do it. After what happened a few days ago, Moms told me I should talk to him about it and they were right. I just have no idea how to do it, and I knew that he would not be happy. I gritted my teeth.

"Come in." I called out.

The door opened, and Noah swaggered in. He sat his backpack down on the floor and sat on the edge of my bed.

"Hey." He said, smiling lightly at me, "Lazy day, huh?"

I looked at his smile, and could not help but feel guilty. He was in such a good mood and I was about to ruin it.

"Yeah. I guess." I said quietly, not making eye contact.

"You okay?" He asked, "You seem a bit down."

"Yeah. I…" I said, sighing and deciding that it would be best just to get it out the way, "I actually need to talk to you."

"Uh oh." He said nervously, "That doesn't sound good."

"It's nothing you did." I assured, "I promise. This time it's on me."

"Okay… what is it?"

I sat up, and sat side by side with him on the bed. Then I started talking.

I gave him a basic explanation of what happened, and he did not make a sound the entire time. That I downloaded the app, and I went to meet somebody who had been messaging me on it. When I finished talking, I was staring at the floor. The silence filling the room was deafening, so when he finally did speak I almost did not hear him.

"You… you what?" Noah asked, his voice frighteningly quiet.

I looked him in the eyes, and for the first time since I had started speaking, I looked at his face. His expression had fallen completely, from the easy affection that he displayed when he walked in, to horrified heartbreak. My heart cracked, and I struggled to swallow around the lump in my throat.

"…I'm sorry, Noah." I said, my voice nearly inaudible, "I'm so fricken sorry."

"You're t-telling me that you're sorry?" Noah sputtered disbelievingly, "After you just told me that you _cheated on me?_ "

"It didn't go that far…" I interjected, and upon reception of his glare, I stammered a quick response, "I swear, Noah. I… Nothing happened. The guy could tell I wasn't eighteen yet, and he threw me out. He knew I was too young, and he thought I was trying to get him arrested. And even if he would have wanted to, I was too scared. We didn't do anything…"

"No, but you were planning to, Jude." Noah choked, his voice tight from the effort it was taking him to prevent the tears from busting loose, "You went over there, with the intention to hook up with somebody who wasn't me. You may not have done it, but you were g-going to."

"I'm an idiot, okay?" I blurted out, "I just… I j-just…"

"You just what, Jude?" Noah cried, "What the hell would possess you to do something like this?"

"I… I didn't think you'd be this upset…" I said quietly, "I mean… we never even, well… discussed what we are. It's only been a month since we started… this."

"Jude… I know we never actually specified it for us," Noah interrupted, "But, you _are_ my boyfriend! We make out every time we see each other, we almost had sex that day on the boat, and I wrote you a fricken poem to try to make you smile! Do you really think I would do all these things if I didn't want an exclusive relationship with you?!"

"I know that, okay?" I blurted, "I'm sorry. I just… I know it was a bad idea. I have no idea what I'm doing right now. This is only my second relationship…"

"Yeah, your _second_ relationship." Noah agreed, "Not your first. You should already know some of it…"

"Noah, let me finish my sentence!" I said tiredly, "My first relationship was completely different. Connor and I were best friends for months before we became a couple. We were comfortable around each other, we knew in advance what the other wanted. Neither of us was ever thinking about sex until the very end of it. The farthest we ever got was making out with our shirts off, and that ended in disaster…"

"How?"

"His dad walked in on us." I continued, "Mr. Stevens drove me home, and when he got back, he and Connor had a massive argument. Connor couldn't take it anymore, so he moved to L.A to live with his mom. I never saw him in person again. About a month and a half after he left, on the twins' birthday, I was due to go see him, and he sent me a nude pic. I stayed home and Skyped him, and we broke up that night because we agreed that long distance wasn't working for either of us anymore. Then, a month later I met you at that youth group thing. I didn't know you at all."

"You know me _now."_

"I still don't know you as well as I did Connor." I replied, "Connor and I could practically read each others' minds. We never considered having sex, and lately things between you and me have been getting really intense, and that scares me. I've never had these kinds of feelings for somebody before."

"Jude, if you're scared you're supposed to come and _talk to me!_ " Noah said, his voice wobbling dangerously.

"I don't know _how_ to talk about this, Noah!" I shouted in frustration, " I don't know the first thing about gay sex! That's why I did it! How else was I supposed to find out about this kind of thing? Sex Ed at school doesn't cover LGBTQ sex, I don't have anybody to talk to about this, and I can't watch porn because it makes me so uncomfortable that I want to crawl out of my skin. So Taylor brought up the idea of a practice hook-up…"

"Of course." Noah breathed, "Taylor's involved."

"Taylor has always been there for me when it comes to these kinds of things." I challenged, "She helped me and Connor at the beginning. When I didn't want to come out, she gave us a push and it turned out to be the best thing for us. When we broke up and Jack died, she was there for me. She helped me get through it. When I was trying to fake straight, she knew what I was doing and helped snap me out of it by introducing me to you. I've never had a reason to doubt her advice…"

"Jude, I doubt she meant for you to use an adult dating app." Noah retorted, "And despite what you think, she isn't the expert on dating. And what made you think you needed a practice hook up? If you're not ready to have sex yet, then just tell me that! I would never pressure you into something you're not ready for. I already told you that I would only do what you wanted to do. We move at your speed."

"That's the thing though!" I blurted, "I do want to do it, and I want it to be with you, but I… I didn't want it to happen and then… then it be horrible and you dump me…"

"Yeah, because I'm _really_ that much of a prick." He spat sarcastically.

"I didn't mean it like that…" I protested weakly, "I just… I don't know."

Noah looked at me intensely for a moment before sighing and pinching the bridge of his nose.

"I just… I don't want to lose you." I finally went on, speaking softly, "I didn't want to give you a reason to leave."

"Jude… I wouldn't leave you for being inexperienced." Noah assured softly, "I remember what it was like before I did it for the first time. I was just as inexperienced. When it finally did happen, it was… well, it was scary as hell."

"I-It was?" I asked.

"Oh yeah." Noah continued, "I was terrified, we were both really awkward, and it hurt at first. But I wouldn't have changed anything. We wanted it, and we learned together. We talked about it. You can ask me any questions you want, I won't think any less of you for it. I promise."

I looked him in the eyes, and all I saw was honesty.

"…I'm sorry." I whispered sadly, "I was such an idiot. I don't why I would think that you would…"

"I know that… you said you have baggage." Noah interrupted, "You told me that when this first started. I'm not gonna blame you for having abandonment issues. I have them too. Let's just… move on from here. Just promise me that you won't do anything like this again, and that you'll come to me if you need any questions answered."

I smiled at him softly. I had told him at the beginning that I had a couple of problems because of my past, and it was nice to see that he understood.

"…I will." I said, "Moms weren't happy either. They gave me a lecture about it. About the dangers and stuff like that."

"Yeah, that's another thing." Noah started to say, but I interrupted.

"I know." I said, "They already covered it all. How dangerous it was. What could have happened."

"Okay, I'll spare you the lecture then." Noah conceded, "Don't expect me not to rip into Taylor the next time I see her though."

"Ha. I'm not gonna." I said.

Noah looked at me for a few seconds before reaching out and taking my hand in his.

"What did you mean that you had abandonment issues too?" I asked.

"My dad." He answered simply, "He took off when I was little. Many of my friends ditched me when I came out. So now, I have trouble trusting that people will stick around."

"…I'm sorry." I said, "Your dad's an idiot, for leaving. Parents shouldn't leave their kids. Not unless there is no other choice."

"Yeah." Noah agreed, "That's what my therapist always said."

"Does it help?" I asked, "Therapy?"

"… I think it does. Yeah." Noah answered, "Maybe you should think about it?"

"Maybe." I agreed.

We sat in silence together for a little while. The whole time, I noticed that Noah was slightly tense and wasn't relaxing.

"Hey, are you okay?" I asked, "You're really tense."

"Yeah, I'm just… Anxious." He said.

A small alarm bell went off in my head when he said that.

"Well, you can't do it here." I told him, "It was one of the terms moms gave me when they agreed to let us see each other again. I can't touch pot anymore."

"I know, that's… part of the reason why I'm so anxious." Noah said, "I uh, actually haven't done it since the incident on the boat."

I looked at him alarmed.

"What?" I asked.

"Yeah, I uh…" He said, trying to collect his thoughts, "I got to thinking about it and… we could have gotten into a lot of fricken trouble that day."

"I know."

"Well, I kept thinking about it," Noah continued, "And… I realized that it's just more trouble than it's worth. So… I talked to my mom about it. She agreed to help me find another way to cope with my anxiety, and then we shredded the card."

I looked at him skeptically.

"Really?"

"Yeah, really." He confirmed, "I almost jammed the shredder with the stupid thing."

"But… what are you gonna do about your anxiety now?" I asked.

"Probably take actual meds for it." He said.

"Oh… well that'll take a load on Moms' minds then." I said.

"Hopefully, yeah."

We sat there together, talking about random stuff until Momma called us down for dinner. When we walked into the kitchen hand in hand, Momma smiled at us.

"Nice talk, boys?" She asked.

Noah and I shared a look before I turned back and answered.

"Yeah. Nice talk."


End file.
